


Twelve Very Angry Animals

by plunderer01



Category: Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Genre: Episode Related, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-18
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-11-10 05:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/462575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plunderer01/pseuds/plunderer01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Eco-Villains get put on trial for mankind's treatment of their fellow species. A sort of rewrite of "Twelve Angry Animals", except better and less stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deadly Cuddling

Plunder had no idea how long he had been laying there on the cave floor, but he knew it was long enough, considering his shivering. He managed to push himself up, leaning against the cave wall for support, his knees shaking.

He wondered how he had even got here in the first place. Plunder assumed he had somehow been rendered unconscious, but he didn't feel any sluggish side effects of any drug, nor did his head hurt from any blow. The last thing he remembered doing was visiting one of his many oil rigs off the coast, far away from any sort of cave. It had been a rather stormy day, so he had worn one of his more substantial trenchcoats, a fact that he was very grateful for now. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he found that he could see his breath. Even more alarming was the ceiling of the cave, which appeared to have icy stalactites hanging ominously above him, some of them dripping water on to his head. Plunder felt it prudent to be as quiet as possible.

He carefully stepped around the icy pools, slowly making his way towards a slightly brighter light further down. He had a feeling that he was descending deeper into the cave, but he really had no way of knowing that, and besides, he doubted his chances of survival would be very high even _if_ he reached the surface. There was no doubt that the outside environment of the cave was quite inhospitable.

Looten froze momentarily when he heard a sound. It wasn't the sound of the water dripping, or the echoing of his own footsteps. It was different, more organic. He cautiously followed the sound into a small adjacent chamber.

Although it was dark, it was impossible to _not_ spot the bright, unnatural color of the figure huddled between two large rocks. He squinted and stood tall, trying to figure out exactly what it was. The figure made a high-pitched whimpering sound. Looten's eyes widened when he recognized the voice. He trotted over as swiftly as he could, trying to prevent himself from slipping.

"Babs!" he exclaimed, kneeling beside her.

Blight's eyes were shut, her arms tightly wrapped around her body. She was shivering violently, which was unsurprising to Plunder considering that all she was wearing was her regular pink jumpsuit, a garment that he doubted would keep her warm in these temperatures. He shook her gently.

"Babs, wake up!" Plunder didn't know much about hypothermia, but he _did_ know falling asleep in an environment like this was not a good idea. She cracked open an eye, and looked up at him.

"L-Looten?" she stammered out. "How did..." She abruptly stopped, and curled up even tighter.

"I don't know what's going on. But you have to get up."

She shook her head. "I feel warmer here..." she trailed off.

Plunder frowned. He doubted that she really did, but it worried him that her mental state might be altered by the cold. He gently grasped her arm. "No, you need to move around. Come on, you need to get up."

She slowly managed to get to her feet, but was unable to walk without leaning heavily on him. After a few minutes, she knelt down in exhaustion.

"Babs..." he choked out. He didn't know what to do.

_Wait!_

He had an idea.

Plunder knelt down next to her and looped his arms under hers, clasping his hands across her chest. Looten managed to slide her over to a dry part of the cave wall. Unbuttoning his coat, he sat down and then pulled off his suit jacket, which he draped over her shoulders. Pulling her on top of him and with his back against the wall, he covered the both of them with his trenchcoat. Plunder felt colder than before, of course, but he figured her body warmth would make up for any heat loss of his, and besides, she was much worse off than him.

After what he guessed was an hour, her shivering became less violent, and he heaved a small sigh of relief. But he was now concerned about the both of them falling asleep, as his own eyelids were starting to feel heavy. Plunder squeezed her arm.

"Babs..." he started to speak, but was interrupted by a yawn of his own.

"Hmmm?" she murmured softly, eyes still shut.

"We need to get up." He tried to sit up a little more, but he felt incredibly sluggish. He blinked rapidly.

Blight didn't respond, her breathing deep and regular and her body relaxed. She pressed up closer, her head resting on his chest. Plunder suddenly relaxed too; he didn't feel quite as chilled now, with her against him. And he _was_ pretty tired.

He decided that it wouldn't hurt to take a small nap. After all, he thought as he drifted off, it would be a welcome escape from the cold...

 

_____________________________________

 

Hoggish Greedly was completely dumbfounded. He stood there, trying to figure out how in the hell he went from dozing in his tent in his poachers camp to standing ankle-deep in a pool of icy water in a dark, freezing cave. He shivered a little. It was cold, and he wasn't wearing anything appropriate for the new conditions. Greedly wasn't immediately concerned though. He knew that he had a decent amount of time before he needed to seriously seek out warmer clothing or shelter, as he knew from experience that his substantial weight helped keep him warm.

Greedly shook his head violently after a few minutes of contemplation. He still needed to figure out how to find the exit, and why he was even here in the first place. Glancing about him, he saw that he was in a small side chamber that led out into a larger tunnel. A dim glow, brighter than the ambient light in the room, illuminated the main chamber. He followed it, his breath leaving a floating trail behind him.

He had no idea where it might take him, but he reasoned that a relatively bright light in a cave would have an unnatural source, which usually meant people. Then he could perhaps deduce what was going on. Although he stepped lightly, his footsteps seemed quite loud to his ears. The acoustics of the cave didn't help, and the fact that there was no other sound save for the dripping of water likely amplified the noise for him.

He was focused so heavily on the light that he stumbled and almost fell when his boot hit something soft.

_What?_

All he had seen so far had been rocks, and all of _those_ had been quite unforgiving. He stepped back from the object, the size and shape of which he could not determine due to the deep shadows cast on the walls. However, something protruded out into the dim light. He crouched down for a closer look.

It was a leg.

Greedly paled and backed up a few feet, shaking a little, millions of paranoid scenarios running through his head. Managing to regain his composure after a few minutes, he tried to examine the limb more closely. His brow furrowed as he was struck with a sense of familiarity. The pant leg was green, and even more oddly, the cuff appeared to be trimmed with some kind of-

" _Plunder_?" he squawked.

The leg moved a little. He heard a muffled groan. Greedly fumbled around madly at his pockets, searching for the lighter he remembered having on him. Finding it, he held it out and flicked it on.

The faint light was strong enough the penetrate the dark shadows of the cave, and to give Greedly a good enough look. Plunder was limp, his back propped up against the cave wall, his trenchcoat folded over...

" _Blight_?"

..who looked even worse, despite being covered with the coat and Plunder's suit jacket. She didn't move, even at his loud exclamation. Greedly bit his lip. He was afraid that they were dead or close to it; the thought of being alone in the cave frightened him.

And if he didn't want to be alone, then _that_ meant he would need to try and wake them up.

He nudged Plunder's foot with his boot. Plunder stirred a little, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly. However, he didn't open his eyes.

"Dammit," Greedly cursed under his breath. He bent down and shook Plunder's left shoulder firmly.

"Looten! Wake up!" When the other man didn't respond, Greedly started to panic. He grasped both of Plunder's shoulders and shook him violently, causing the back of his head to strike the wall.

"Ow! What the hell?" slurred Plunder in a tired, yet irritable voice. He struggled to get up, temporarily forgetting about Blight laying on him. He blinked, and stared down at her dumbly, his brain trying to get a grasp on the situation.

He looked up. "Greedly? What in the _hell_ is going on?"

"You tell me!"

Plunder rubbed the back of his head. "God...were we kidnapped?" He wrapped his arms around the still-sleeping Blight, and pulled her upright.

Greedly shrugged. "I don't see how, or why. I woke up sitting in a freezing pool of water. None of this makes sense."

"I'll say." said a smooth, hissing voice. Both Greedly and Plunder jumped a little at the new, yet very familiar sound.

"Skumm?" Greedly asked, turning around. "How did _you_ get here?"

The mutant rat-man slunk out from the shadows. Stopping a couple of feet away from Greedly, he wrapped his tail around his feet and crossed his arms in an attempt to keep warm. Skumm snarled to himself in agitation.

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

Greedly snorted. "I have no _idea_ what could _possibly_ be going on here."

Glancing down at Plunder, he noticed that he had started to nod off again. Greedly swiftly kicked him in the leg. Plunder's eyes flew open in surprise, and he glared up at Greedly.

"Looten, seriously, get up. You can't fall asleep here."

Plunder sighed tiredly, and threw one of Blight's arms over his shoulder. Placing an arm around her waist, he shakily stood up and managed to hoist her up with him. Her head lolled forward a little, which bothered him - he needed her to be more coherent. He knew he couldn't possibly support her entire body weight for long, at least not in his current condition. Looten awkwardly secured the jacket over her shoulders. He looked over at Greedly.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

Plunder rolled his eyes. "Where are we going to go? We can't _stay_ here, and I don't know how to get out. I'm assuming you don't either, otherwise you wouldn't have woken us up."

Greedly raised an eyebrow. "Geez, I'm not _that_ evil. Besides, I found you by accident when I was walking further down the tunnel."

Plunder braced himself and Blight against the cave wall. "Why were you headed in that direction?" he inquired.

"I saw a light, and thought maybe there were people somewhere down there. So far I've only seen you and Skumm, just now."

Plunder glanced over at Skumm, who shrugged. "That was my logic."

"Hm." Looten said thoughtfully, shifting his weight around a little. "Since there's nowhere else to go, we might as well continue."

"We?" Skumm scoffed. " _I'm_ going on my own. _You_ can do whatever."

"All by yourself? You'll get lost."

Skumm smirked a little. "I _live_ in places like this, remember? And since when did _you_ care, Plunder?"

"I _don't_ care, actually. I simply assumed we all wanted to stay together until we found the exit. And since when did _you_ live in an icy cavern?"

The mutant threw his hands up in annoyance. "Cave, sewer, whatever! They're all enclosed spaces, and I _don't_ need help navigating in them."

Plunder was about to respond when he felt Blight move next to him, groaning a little. Opening her eyes, she turned her head and blinked in surprise at Plunder.

"What in the _hell_ is going on?" Blight moved her arm from around Plunder's shoulders, and leaned against the wall, still shivering slightly.

"We don't know. We've been trying to figure that out for quite a while," Plunder said, watching her cautiously.

"We?" She looked up for the first time. "Greedly? Skumm?"

Greedly nodded. Skumm looked disinterested.

Blight glared at them. "What did you do?"

"What? What did _I_ do? I didn't do anything!" Greedly sputtered. Skumm's eyes widened a bit at the outburst, but didn't say anything.

"Well, why _are_ you here then?" she snapped.

"Why would I _want_ to be?"

Plunder sighed. "Babs, I don't think they have anything to do with us being here."

Her expression was distrustful, but she nodded after a minute. Glancing down at the coat around her shoulders, she looked up at Plunder with a raised eyebrow. He shrugged a little.

"You weren't very coherent when I found you. You looked like you were freezing, so I gave you that."

She opened her mouth to respond when Greedly laughed. "Yeah, he didn't mention the part were he hauled you on top of him!"

Plunder shot him a vehement look. "I was trying to _help_ her, idiot! And I certainly don't appreciate what you're implying."

"Heh, yeah, and you did _such_ a good job, falling asleep like that. _I_ had to wake you up."

"Whatever, Greedly! Some of us don't have the blubber of a walrus! I'll bet _you're_ nice and warm!"

"Fatass," Skumm snickered. Greedly glared at him.

Blight just stood there for a few moments with a strange smile on her face. She then tightened the jacket around her shoulders, and pushed herself up from against the wall.

"Well, let's go, I guess." She started to walk further down into the cave.

Plunder frowned. "Are you sure you can make it by yourself?"

She stopped. "Yeah. You're coming with me, right?"

"Well, yes...we're headed in that direction anyway...", he said, trotting forward to catch up with her.

Greedly sighed and followed them, with Skumm strolling casually behind. There was silence for a few minutes as the villains made their way to the strange glow that seemed to be beckoning them closer.

Suddenly Blight stumbled forward, tripping on a rock. Plunder managed lunge forward to grab her arm in time to prevent her from falling.

"I thought you said you could walk on you own!" he said in annoyance.

"I _thought_ I could. I feel a little dizzy," she said weakly, latching onto his arm with the both of hers.

He sighed. "Fine, lean on me then." Blight did so, tightening her arms around his quite enthusiastically.

Greedly rolled his eyes. "Are you _really_ going to fall for that?"

Plunder glanced backward at him, confused. "Fall for what?"

The other man stared at him for a second, and then shook his head. "You really are dense sometimes, you know that Looten?"

Plunder quickly shot him a nasty glare but remained silent, continuing to walk forward. Blight looked over her shoulder at Greedly and smirked wickedly.

Looten looked down at her by his side. "Babs, how do you remember getting here?"

She looked back up at him as she spoke. "All I remember is being in my lab one moment and waking up freezing in here the next. Then I vaguely remember seeing _you_ , then I woke up with you holding me up." Blight sidled up closer to his side at that comment. Plunder raised an eyebrow.

Greedly made a gagging sound.

Blight rolled her eyes at little at that. "Why do you ask?"

Looten shrugged. "I'm just trying to figure out how we all got here. And, more importantly, _why_."

"Beats me. Although..." she said in a distant voice, a thoughtful look on her face.

"What?"

She was silent for a moment.

"It just seems too sudden. Too...instantaneous. I mean, we all woke up in separate places, right?" Blight finally said.

"Yeah." Plunder nodded.

"In a cave, presumably situated in a remote location, far away from where we all had been previously."

"So?" Skumm said.

"Think about it. What purpose would it serve to kidnap us, place us all in random areas underground, and make it look like we had just been teleported there? What's the _point_? And what kind of person would orchestrate an elaborate set up like that?"

"I don't know and I don't care. I just want to get the hell out," the mutant hissed.

"What are you getting at, Blight?" Greedly asked.

"I don't think that this was a normal abduction. Whatever happened to us, it was decidedly unnatural. And you know what _that_ implies..."

Greedly turned a little pale. "You mean, a spirit did this? Like Gaia? Like _Zarm_?"

Blight shrugged slightly. "That's my best guess - although while it's certainly within their power, it doesn't make sense for either of them to _actually_ do it. Gaia doesn't generally kidnap people, and Zarm would be more to the point than just vaguely transporting us somewhere."

"Also, Gaia wouldn't likely send someone directly into a deadly situation," said Plunder, a little more vehemently than he intended. Blight gave him a somewhat confused look but he didn't see it, staring directly ahead with his jaw set firmly.

"Whatever the case may be, I just want some answers."


	2. Pork is Tasty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Eco-Villains discover the true reason behind their abduction.

"How long is this going to take?" Skumm snapped. The sharp rocks and the cold biting his feet were starting to wear down his patience; he normally didn't need to worry about going barefoot, as the skin of his feet was fairly tough, but these particular conditions were starting to become more than he could physically handle. Even Greedly was starting to look genuinely miserable at this point, although he still wasn't in any real danger of freezing.

Plunder could tell that Blight, who he had now wrapped his trenchcoat around as they walked, was starting to feel chilled again. He himself was starting to feel the cold creep back, despite their continuous movement. Looten was starting to worry that there actually _wasn't_ any way out, and the possibility that they might die there was starting to become a serious concern in his mind.

"I'm hungry." Greedly whined.

"I'm shocked to hear that," said Plunder in a droll voice, with caused Blight to laugh.

"Well, if we can't get out, then he's right, we _do_ need to think about food..." she said with a hint of gleeful malice in her tone. Suddenly, Skumm started up with his hissing laugh. After a moment, Plunder joined in, leaving Greedly looking confused.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

All three of them turned to look at him with evil, yet sickeningly joyful looks on their faces.

"What do _you_ think, Blight?" Plunder addressed her, not taking his eyes off Greedly.

"Oh, I'd say...four, maybe five days – perhaps a week, if we're careful..."

Skumm nodded. "I'm sure we could work with that..."

Greedly furrowed his brow in bemusement. Then the expression on his face transformed into one of fear, shock, and revulsion.

"You're all SICK," he hissed.

"Hey, _you_ brought it up, fatty."

"Well, you all can just stay the _hell_ away from me."

Plunder smirked, and they continued walking.

Greedly was about to open his mouth to complain again when they rounded a corner into a very large chamber of the cave, the ceiling stretch up a few hundred feet. It was quite impressive, and the glow seemed to originate in the area, although it seemed impossible to pinpoint exactly where. The four of them looked at each other, still a little bewildered, and none to disappointed that the lack of human activity.

"Well, what _now_?"

"Good damn question!" snapped a familiar, very grating voice. A large figure stepped towards them, the glow shifting a little as it moved.

"Nukem?"

"Yeah. What the hell is going on? I _finally_ get my hands on some spent fuel rods, and was getting' ready to chow down, and BAM! Here I am in this damn place! I'm freaking starving here!"

"Well, that's too bad!" said a new voice, echoing off of the cave walls.

Suddenly, up on the rocky outcrops on the far wall, a group of animals materialized before them. They all stared down at the group of villains, with dispassionate looks on their faces.

"Because you're going to be here for quite some time yet."

"What...what _is_ this?" exclaimed Greedly, staring at the seated collection of animals who seem to have appeared out of nowhere.

"This is your trial," rumbled a deep voice, it's source being difficult to pinpoint due to the acoustics of the interior. The Eco-villains glanced nervously about them.

"Who said that?" Nukem demanded impatiently, with an extremely irritated look on his face. A large, dark shadow moved towards them from a small alcove near the group of animals. Blight's eyes widened as the figure stepped into the light. Glancing over at Plunder, she saw that he had more of a confused look than anything else.

The Yeti towered over them, with the exception of Nukem, with whom he could look straight in the eye. He spread his arms wide in a greeting, the crow perched on his shoulder flapping it's wings as he did so. "I did, Duke Nukem. Welcome to your trial."

Nukem sputtered. "What _are_ you?"

"I am a yeti, or what some humans refer to as an Abominable Snowman."

Although she was fearful of the situation in general, Blight couldn't contain her hysterical laughter at the creature's introduction. Plunder looked down at her, frowning, wondering if the cold had finally gotten to her.

"What?" she gasped, clutching her sides. "You're a _what_?"

The Yeti tilted his head to the side in amusement. "Yes, Dr. Blight, you heard me correctly."

She continued to chuckle. "Now I _know_ I'm either dead or hallucinating."

"I assure you that you are experiencing neither."

Babs just shook her head in disbelief. Stepping forward, Looten cleared his throat. "Did you bring us here?"

"Yes, although it wasn't entirely my decision."

Plunder folded his arms across his chest. "You mentioned a trial. What crime, may I ask, are we being tried for?" He flinched as a loud trumpeting suddenly pierced the air. The Eco-villains simultaneously turned to face the source of the sound.

" _Forget_ the trial, Yeti! We all _know_ they're guilty!" shrieked the elephant, stomping his front feet down on the podium before him for emphasis. "Why even bother?"

The Yeti shot him a stern look. "We _bother,_ elephant, because there is no hope for change if we simply outright _punish_. Besides, it wouldn't be _justice_ , it would be _revenge_."

Plunder flailed his arms a little in frustration. "What? What _is_ it that we're being accused of?"

"You are to stand trial for the crimes of humanity against nature, specifically, against your fellow species."

Looten Plunder and the rest of the Eco-villains just stood there for a few moments, at a complete loss for words. Plunder then shook his head violently a few times.

"Excuse me, could you repeat that? I don't believe I heard you correctly."

The Yeti sighed. "You – _all_ of you – will be tried for the actions of your kind against your fellow species; specifically, their extinctions."

Greedly stared at the Yeti as if the latter had lost his mind. "But...I haven't hunted _any_ animal to extinction. At least not yet. As a matter of fact, I don't think _any_ of us actually have."

"Despite your best efforts, no doubt!" snorted the elephant.

" _Regardless_ if that is true - and I'm not admitting to anything here – we _still_ haven't driven any species to extinction, not personally anyway," Plunder said.

"I don't think you understand what I'm saying. You are being put on trial for what humanity _as a whole_ has done, not just _you_."

Plunder's lip curled in obvious disgust.

"That's what I _thought_ you said, but I didn't want to believe that anybody would _actually think_ that was a _legitimate_ charge," he hissed.

"How is it not?"

Looten's eye twitched, ever so slightly. He took a deep breath.

"You mean to tell me that we were wrongfully abducted, deposited in a dangerously frigid environment with no explanation as to why in order to stand trial for 'crimes' that not only did we _not_ commit, but most of which likely occurred before we were even _born_?" he said in a dangerous voice. "Please, enlighten us as to how _any_ of that constitutes a _legitimate_ charge."

"That is _your_ interpretation of the situation."

The businessman looked furious.

"This is _insane_! You could have killed-, you could have killed us!" Plunder spat. "Over _this_ crap?"

"Some of us felt as though you - _any_ one of you - would have deserved it."

Looten Plunder stared at the Yeti for a full five seconds.

"WHAT?" he bellowed, lurching forward angrily. "WHAT did you say?"

"Looten...," Greedly whispered nervously. "Don't provoke them."

Plunder whirled around at Greedly, the same enraged expression on his face. Greedly took a step back.

The Yeti raised both eyebrows in surprise at the outburst, but otherwise didn't move. The crow on his shoulder squawked in agitation.

"However, I personally insisted on the trial, as I did not agree with such a course of action. After all, the experience was quite enlightening for the other group of humans we tried, so I reasoned it would be likewise for you."

"How considerate," Plunder sneered, retreating back to Dr. Blight, who had resumed shivering. He sat down next to her, shaking as well, although it wasn't due to the cold.

"Wait," Greedly interjected. "You've tried _others_?"

"Yes."

" _Why_? What's the point? If you've _already_ tried one group of people for what I'm assuming are the same things you're going to try _us_ for, then isn't that like some kind of fucked-up double jeopardy?"

" _And_ in case you haven't noticed, I'm not human," Skumm added, leaning casually against the rocky wall. "So I'm wondering why I'm even here in the first place."

The other villains looked over at him in surprise, clearly not having considered _that_ fact.

"Yeah, I'm not either!" Nukem said after a moment. "So this whole thing is a big fat waste of my time."

The Yeti shook his head. "No, Dr. Nukem, you _were_ human at one point, so despite your severe mutations, you still must answer for your species' ecological crimes."

He then pointed at Skumm, who gave him a curious look in return. "And although _you're_ not human, you are a member of the only other sentient species on the planet, so you are just as responsible for the things _your_ kind has done." Skumm snorted and rolled his eyes, not bothering to hide his disdain.

Glancing over at him by her side, Blight wondered if it were possible for Plunder to look any more disgusted. The whole bizarre situation had partially taken her mind off of the cold at least; even still, she sidled up closer to him, trying to extract a little more warmth. She wasn't sure how she could get out of this mess, or if it were even possible, but she knew that her overall chances were better with him.

_And heck, even with the_ rest _of them._

"Well, since logic doesn't appear to be your forté, I suppose we're going to forgo a jury in this little 'trial' of yours?" Plunder lifted his arm over Blight's shoulders to allow her in closer.

The Yeti motioned to the group of animals staring down at them. "That is your jury."

There was a silence for a while, as the Eco-Villains processed this new information.

Suddenly, Skumm started laughing. After a few minutes of this, Nukem started laughing as well, with the rest of them joining in shortly after. They continued laughing for several minutes, all of them incredibly amused with the concept.

Plunder, still chuckling, wiped a tear from his eye.

"No, seriously, where is our _real_ jury?"

The Yeti frowned. "I was not joking."

Blight stared at him. "You have to be."

"Why would I?"

"Because a jury, generally speaking, is supposed to be comprised of our peers."

"They are creatures of the same earth, therefore, they _are_ your peers."

Blight sputtered. "No they're not! Some of those animals are EXTINCT! How can a _dead_ _animal_ be my PEER?"

"Not to mention they're a bunch of animals, which do not constitute anything close to _my_ peer," Plunder declared.

"And I don't see any of _my_ kind in that jury either, so this trial is invalid in my case," Skumm pointed out. "I can't believe this."

Nukem shrugged.

"And I just don't give a shit," he deadpanned.

They all had to cough back a bit of laughter at that. The Yeti shook his head sadly.

"Regardless, that is your jury, and they will decide your guilt or innocence."


	3. Superpredator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ladies first, of course.

"Dr. Blight..." the Yeti began, looking over in her direction. Babs felt Looten tense up next to her, and she could hear him start to grind his teeth.

She scowled back, genuinely angry. "What?" she snapped, standing up defiantly. "What _bullshit_ are you going to charge _me_ with?"

"Nothing specific, at the moment. But what I _was_ going to tell you is that you're going first." The Yeti then motioned to the jury of animals. Then what Blight could only describe as...

_A mammoth?_

...stepped forward and approached her slowly, stopping with it's trunk only a few feet away from her face. She tilted her head back as far as she could to look at it, not exactly sure what to do next. She heard Plunder stand up behind her.

" _First_? What do you mean, 'going first'? First for _what_ , some sick kind of punishment?" he snarled, pulling her away from the enormous creature.

"No, I'm trying to present _evidence_! Nobody is getting punished right now!" The Yeti exclaimed in an exasperated tone, placing a hand momentarily over his eyes.

Blight just continued to stare up at the giant animal, a little dumbstruck.

"At least you know _something_ about trials," Plunder said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He pulled her further away. "And she's _not_ going anywhere."

"Yes she is," the wooly mammoth said in a deep baritone voice, taking a step closer. "But I'm not going to hurt her."

"That's right, you're _not_ , because she's _going_ to be staying right here," Looten said pointedly, stepping between the mammoth and Blight. He cringed a little when the mammoth suddenly lifted it's trunk in the air in a sideways motion, but he didn't retreat, although he braced himself for some sort of strike. Before Plunder could comprehend exactly what was happening, the mammoth gently pushed him aside and picked up Blight around the waist, quickly lifting her up and depositing her on it's back.

"HEY!" she objected, stunned at the swiftness of the move. "What's the big idea?" She gripped the shaggy guard hairs on the mammoth's back tightly, more than a little afraid of losing her balance as it started to walk towards a more open part of the cavern. The animal tilted its head over its shoulder slightly to look at her.

"We're going to see what _your_ kind did to mine."

"The HELL you are!" Plunder angrily shouted, following them. "Put her down!"

Without warning, a blue flash of light caused him instinctively to shield his eyes, and when he opened them, both the mammoth and Blight were gone.

 

* * *

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not. Why would I?"

"I have no reason to _believe_ that you're not," she said, leaning back a little, despite still clutching the mammoth's fur tightly. He sighed, reducing his pace to a slower clip.

"Look, I'm just trying to show you the destruction that your species has done to mine. And in order to actually _do_ that, I needed to take you into the past, which is where we are now. Why can't you believe that?"

"Because last time I checked, extinct mega-fauna aren't capable of time travel."

The mammoth had a very annoyed expression in his face. She started to shiver. "Dammit, why did I have to go with _you_ , of all animals? I almost froze to death in the cave, and now I'm freezing _here_!"

"What do you mean?" he asked in a genuinely confused voice. "I've never seen a human as covered up as you, with the exception of those other humans earlier. Shouldn't you be warm?"

"The material of this jumpsuit isn't exactly meant for freezing temperatures."

"'Material'? What's that? Is that why you are pink _and_ green? I've never seen a human with colors like you before."

"Never mind," she snapped, tightening the jacket even more around her shoulders. "Let's just hurry up and get this over with. What are we waiting for, anyway?"

Reaching the top of a nearby hill, the mammoth stopped and motioned with his trunk. "That."

Shifting forward on his back, she narrowed her eyes, straining to take in all of the scene in the valley before her. A small herd of mammoths had been surrounded by a rather large group of humans, armed with spears and clad in animal skins. With a bellow, the largest male of the herd charged forward, sweeping his huge tusks in a deadly arc. The humans managed to just barely sidestep him, but swiftly closed their ranks between him and the rest of the group. They taunted him menacingly with their long spears, holding him at bay, preventing him from returning. After a few moments of this, the humans started to slowly maneuver the male away from the herd; however it became apparent that they were not trying to kill him.

"Hmm," the mammoth muttered under his breath. "I wonder what they intend to do?"

"Heh," she smirked to herself, after a moment of contemplation.

He turned his head a little. "What? Do you know?"

"Of _course_ I do. It's a little obvious, actually."

"Well, _what_ then? And I don't see how it is."

She pointed to her left at a cliff in the distance, one of many in the valley. "They're trying to herd him over there, against that cliff face."

The mammoth furrowed his brow. "Why?"

Although she knew he couldn't see it, Blight stared down at the back of his head pityingly, shaking her head slowly.

"Do you see that movement on the top of the cliff? There are other humans up there."

He inclined his head in that direction. "Yes, I do now. But those humans are too high up to throw any spears effectively."

"They're not going to throw spears, mammoth. As a matter of fact, they're not going to _throw_ anything at all."

Any reply he might have had was drowned out by the panicked trumpeting of the large male as he was struck by the boulders raining down on him from above. Dr. Blight watched the scene dispassionately. It took only minutes before he was dead, the humans having already started to dismember him. They cheered a little as they did so, with the people on the top of the cliff making celebratory motions as well.

The mammoth stood there for awhile, watching as the humans swarmed over the carcass of his brethren. Blight could not imagine the thoughts running through his head.

Then he sighed and in a brief flash of light, they were back in the cave.

 

* * *

"Well, Dr. Blight, what have you to say?" He reached back with his trunk and gripped her around the waist again, setting her down on the rocky floor.

She scoffed, and dusted herself off. Babs glanced over at Looten, who was quickly making his way over to her, his expression one of extreme apprehension. Blight silently motioned a hand at him, shaking her head. He got the message and stopped, although with some obvious reluctance.

"About what?" she asked, finally addressing him.

The mammoth rolled his eyes. "About what you've just seen."

She folded her arms across her chest. "All _I_ saw was successful predation in progress. I'm not sure what _else_ you'd call it."

"How can you call it _successful_? Humans wiped out their source of food with their hunting techniques!"

Dr. Blight rolled her eyes. "Oh, please! You must really have a high opinion of yourself to think that YOUR kind was our _only_ source of food! People can eat just about anything, and we can adapt to whatever changes are made to the environment. I guess _some_ species just can't do that very well," she said, giving him a smug look.

"So the idea that your kind wiped us out doesn't _bother_ you?"

"Look, do you honestly believe that a bunch of hairless, bipedal primates possessing the technology of a sharpened stick drove your _entire_ species to extinction? You're giving us a little too much credit on that account. It's not like we had guns or cars to chase you down - hell, I don't think we had even discovered metalworking at that point. Our population was just too low and our technology too limited at the time to do something on that scale, and you know it."

Blight started to walk back to the others, when she suddenly stopped, and turned back to face the mammoth.

"And even that _were_ true, and humans _did_ wipe you out, then maybe you deserved it."

The mammoth looked angry. "How can you say that?"

Dr. Blight made a sweeping gesture. "Well, _look_ at us! We don't have claws, we don't have sharp teeth, and compared to a lot of animals, we have ridiculously underdeveloped jaws. Considering that we're rather large mammals, we can't run very fast nor are we particularly strong. The only things we had going for us at that point in time was our social structure and intelligence. That and a few rocks and sticks," she added, smirking.

The mammoth glared at her. She stared back, unafraid, despite his massive bulk towering over her.

"You know what I think? I think you're angry because you were outcompeted by a superior predator, a predator that didn't have any of _your_ evolutionary advantages. And it's a real kick in the face to you that your extinction might have been due to _such_ a puny, weak, and _unimpressive_ animal like us, isn't it?"

There was an uncomfortable silence in the cavern for several moments.

The Yeti sighed unhappily. "She _does_ have a point." The mammoth whipped his head around to stare at him.

"What?"

Blight raised both eyebrows in surprise, honestly not expecting support from the Yeti, who now looked a little sheepish.

"I'm _not_ saying she's completely right. I'm just saying that she has a _point_ , and humans _did_ display innovation in getting around their handicaps as a predator. Unfortunately, they manifested around your time, mammoth. Those developments, which were admittedly destructive, were still _natural_ developments, and it would be unfair to hold that against them."

The mammoth grumbled to himself, and resumed his place with the other animals. Dr. Blight watched him as he moved.

"Oh, and to answer your question, mammoth?" she called out.

The giant mammal turned to look at her as she made her way to Plunder's side. Aggressively staring down the mammoth, he instinctively wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders.

"No, it doesn't," she said, her clear, cold voice echoing off of the cave walls.


	4. Death From Beyond the Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, because of a tiny misunderstanding at another site I've posted this story on, I'd like to clarify that the positions of the villains are NOT my personal feelings on the environment. This story isn't propaganda or anti-green or pro- or anti- hunting or whatever. I didn't feel the need to mention it last time, but I want to make it crystal clear that I am writing how I think the Eco-Villains would react to the animal's arguments.
> 
> tl;dr
> 
> I am not making a statement with this story.

Greedly snorted a little to himself, looking thoughtful. After a few moments of contemplation, he turned to face Blight and whispered, "I wonder what mammoth tastes like."

She had to cover her mouth with her hand to conceal her giggle. Plunder shook his head and rolled his eyes. "I was _wondering_ when you'd finally get around to saying that."

Skumm grinned, and started hissing with laughter.

"Well, I'm _hungry_!"

Nukem stretched lazily and yawned. "Well, I _could_ fry him if you want."

"Really?" Greedly looked surprised that Nukem would even offer.

"Sure, it'll give me something to do." The radioactive mutant shrugged.

"We can HEAR you, you know!" the Yeti called over in a somewhat angry voice.

The Eco-Villains instantly quieted, with incredibly guilty looks on their faces, even Nukem.

The Yeti cleared his throat. "Now, for the next piece of evidence, Hoggish Greedly shall go with the Caribbean Monk Seal."

Greedly seemed nervous. He looked over at Blight again. "How was it with the mammoth?"

She shrugged. "Eh. Boring and stupid."

"Oh."

The seal athletically slid over, stopping at Greedly's feet.

"Let's go!" it said brightly.

"Um, sure." He started to move closer when he suddenly stopped, and turned around to face the other villains.

"Hey, Nukem! If you're actually going to do it, can you wait until I get back?"

Duke Nukem gave him a thumbs up.

"Thanks!"

The mammoth had a furious look on his face. "STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU'RE GOING TO COOK ME!" he trumpeted.

But Greedly didn't hear him, having already disappeared with the seal in a brilliant flash of blue light.

 

* * *

At first, he panicked; Greedly wasn't a very good swimmer, and his instinctive struggles to the surface got him nowhere. The seal watched him, with it's head tilted to the side amusedly; it playfully swam rings around him.

"What's wrong?" it inquired. "Why are you afraid?"

"Because I can't breathe underwater!" he responded in a somewhat shrill voice. Then he paused for a moment. "Wait, did I just talk?"

The seal nodded. "For right now, you don't need to worry about breathing or anything. Just swim! Follow me!" it said excitedly, although it's voice seemed carry an undercurrent of sadness.

Greedly relaxed somewhat. The seal's words seemed to be true and on top of that, the animal was fairly amicable. He managed to swim alongside the marine mammal easily, cutting through the water like it wasn't even there. It was rather fun.

"Why are we here?"

The seal looked despondent. "I brought you here to show you what humans brought upon my kind."

Greedly was about to respond when he saw the shadow of a large boat loom over them. The seal's eyes widened when a net was cast down on them, effectively capturing them. Helpless to do anything about it, the seal and Greedly were hauled aboard the vessel, although it seemed to take awhile in Greedly's opinion. They both fell forward over the railing, striking the deck of the ship hard.

"Good God! No wonder it took such an effort! Look at the size of that manatee!" a sailor exclaimed, pointing at Greedly, who was struggling to untangle himself from the net. He snorted in agitation at the effort.

"I'm no manatee! I'm a human!"

The sailor blinked, and then nodded his head vigorously.

"Oh, my apologizes, _se_ _ñ_ _or_! You were no doubt the victim of a shipwreck!"

"Um, not exactly..."

He looked confused. "Then how came you to be in our net? We are in the middle of the sea!"

"It's hard to explain...look, are you hunting these seals?"

"Of course we are!" boomed a new, loud authoritarian voice. "I hope you have not _also_ come to admonish us over this!"

Greedly stood up, feeling a little unsteady as he leaned against the railing. The seal looked up at him, it's tail still entangled in the net. The owner of the voice marched over to Greedly, glaring at the other man.

"No, I don't have a reason to object, really. Just wondering why you're doing it, that's all." Greedly shrugged. He had a pretty good idea why the hunting was going on, the reasons likely being similar to why _he_ hunted and poached. But Greedly knew nothing about the Caribbean Monk Seal, and although he really didn't _care_ that it went extinct, he was still a little curious.

The other man, most certainly the captain of the the vessel, visibly relaxed at the inquiry. "Ah, finally, someone with some sense! Unlike that wench before, you seem to be more practical." He made a sweeping motion with his hand at a large colony of seals sunning themselves on some rocks on the port side of the ship.

"Along with the other numerous riches of this New World, we have found that this animal is ripe for the picking! They are valuable to us for their meat, oil, and silky pelts. They sustain us on our long voyages, and the demand for their fat and coats back in our homeland is very high! This is good, for the King and Queen expect a reasonable return on their investment."

Greedly nodded. "I can see that."

The captain smiled. "I have hunted many types of animals in my life, _se_ _ñ_ _or,_ and these creatures are by far the easiest to hunt! They show no concern as to our presence until it is too late. It is a divine blessing, most assuredly!"

Greedly's host looked up at him in a mournful manner. He sighed to himself, knowing that he was obligated to say something in defense of the animal. He took a deep breath.

"Does it ever occur to you that you might wipe them all out?"

The man bristled almost instantly. "You speak of madness, just like that girl! It is impossible to wipe them out! When they swim, the light of the sun does not reach the shallow sea floor!"

Greedly flinched at his reaction. Raising his hands in a defensive gesture, he smiled in what he assumed was a disarming manner. "Don't mind me! I was just wondering."

Then he paused, glancing out over the railing at the seals. "Wait, you said that they don't run away?"

The captain nodded. "They do not fear us."

Greedly shook his head. "Amazing."

The seal sighed.

"Oh, and one other question. This girl – what did she look like?"

The captain looked thoughtful. "She seemed to be from one of the many tribes of the East..." Then he waved away the question. "Bah! It does not matter, she was a witch! She commanded the waters like a demon – we are glad to be rid of her!"

Greedly's confused expression held it's place, even after he and the seal reappeared in the cave.

 

 

* * *

"Well? What did you find?" the Yeti inquired.

The Monk seal shook it's head sadly. "Humans hunted every last one of us down."

Greedly blinked in disbelief. "Yeah..." he said slowly, the tone of his voice making it seem as though such an outcome was obvious.

"So, you admit to it?" the seal asked.

"Um, sure I will. I mean, you guys kinda asked for it."

" _What_?" the Monk seal squawked, sounding angry for the first time.

"Well, didn't you _hear_ the man? Your species didn't run away or defend themselves in any way. You all just _sat_ there and got killed."

" _Slaughtered_ , you mean!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. What kind of animal doesn't _try_ to escape from a predator? And _still_ expect to live?"

"We didn't have a natural fear of humans! We had no reason to flee!"

Greedly crossed his arms.

"Maybe you should have. I've hunted a lot of animals, seal. And you know the ones that survived? _Those_ actually ran away. _They_ figured it out. Why couldn't _you_?"


	5. Dog Eat Dog

There was silence from the jury of animals, long after Hoggish Greedly resumed his place beside his fellow defendants. Plunder leaned over to Greedly and whispered, "Good point."

The other man nodded and shrugged. "I don't think it's going to win us any sympathy, though."

"Yeah, probably not..."

"Looten Plunder, you shall now go with the Tasmanian Tiger," the Yeti said, pointing at him. Blight muttered something very unflattering under her breath and glared at him murderously.

"I don't think so," she growled, gripping Looten's arm tighter. The carnivorous marsupial circled around the group, pacing restlessly, snarling and baring it's teeth.

"Tough, lady! He's coming with me, got it?"

She matched his snarl. "Then come and  _get_ him, you stupid animal!"

The Tasmanian Tiger was actually taken aback at her aggressive response. Looten was too, both eyebrows raised in surprise at her vehemence. Babs loosened her grip on his arm, her eyes completely fixated on the marsupial, advancing on him with a furious look on her face. The Tiger backed up a couple of feet, looking a bit nervous, not sure how to handle the situation. It looked over at the Yeti, who was watching coolly.

But the moment she stepped far away enough, there was a bright flash of light and Plunder and the Tiger disappeared.

* * *

"Well, it's nice not to feel cold for once," Plunder said curtly, trotting to keep pace beside the extinct carnivore, who growled a little to itself.

"Well, it's summer right now," it answered gruffly.

"Where  _are_  we, anyway?" Plunder asked, mildly curious. Now starting to sweat a little, he was somewhat glad he had given his jacket to Blight.

"Where I  _used_  to live, on the island you humans call 'Tasmania'." Looten raised an eyebrow.

"That's...far. At least from where  _I_  live."

The animal didn't answer him, swiftly moving forward through the brush. Plunder followed, stopping abruptly as they reached a clearing at the bottom of a gently sloping hill. The Tiger halted slightly ahead of him, looking up at the sheep herd that was grazing near the crest. He glanced up at the herd as well, a bit mystified.

"Well...?" he prodded, after a few moments. "Why did you bring me  _here_? I don't see how livestock hurt your species."

Suddenly, there was the sound of metal snapping shut, and the sickening crunch of bone that made even Plunder flinch. A pained howl pierced the air. They both followed the sound, managing to locate it's source quickly.

A Tasmanian Tiger, almost identical to his guide, had been caught in a spring-loaded metal trap, one that Plunder was very familiar with, having used them himself in his fur trapping operations. The trapped creature was whimpering piteously and tugging it's trapped leg in vain, trying to get loose. Plunder stared down at it. The animal's leg was almost completely destroyed, and even if it  _did_ get out, it was unlikely to survive with such an injury. He was starting to wish that it would just die already, or that somebody would put it out of it's misery, as the howling was starting to give him a headache.

And although he would  _never_  admit to it, the cries were starting to disturb him.

Then he heard a new whimper, one right next to him. Plunder glanced down in surprise to see the other Tiger look up at him, with a pleading expression on it's face.

"What? What do you want  _me_  to do?"

"Can't...can't you free her? The other human did..."

"How? And with  _what_? It's not going to survive long, even if I could." Plunder shook his head, and suddenly froze at the sound of a round being chambered.

"Well, it's a good thing you didn't then," declared a deep, gruff voice. "'Cause  _you_  wouldn't either if you had."

He quickly turned around, only to see a man armed with an antique double-barreled shotgun. Plunder's initial relief at seeing another human being was quickly squelched at the sight of said human being aiming the barrel of the firearm at his chest. Plunder instinctively raised his palms up in a defensive gesture.

"Hey now, I wasn't going to touch that."

"That's right, you weren't! Unlike that damned kid..."

"Kid? What kid?"

The rancher didn't answer, merely shifting his aim over to the trapped animal. Shutting one eye, he momentarily paused before he finally pulled the trigger, ending the other Tasmanian Tiger's pain for good. Plunder noticed that his guide darted behind him, cowering slightly.

_Probably using me as a shield. Clever little bastard._

The other man turned back to look at him.

"Why'd you do that?" Plunder asked. "You ruined it's coat."

He waved away the question. "Eh, their coats ain't good for wearin' – besides, those mongrels keep pickin' off me sheep, and me profits!"

Plunder lowered his hands. "Oh."

The rancher regarded Plunder closely. "You don't  _seem_  like you was with that kid, although by the way that vermin is actin', you might as well be!"

"Wait,  _what_  kid?"

"There was this kid here earlier, actin' all concerned about these damned pests' well-bein' – just about damn shot him too! Freeing that thief...had a funny accent too..."

The Tiger behind him piped up. "She wasn't a thief! She was just trying to live!"

He snarled. "Well, what do you think  _I'm_  trying to do, eh? It's certainly not feedin'  _your_  scrawny hide!" The rancher raised the gun again, intent on shooting the Tiger, and much to Plunder's dismay  _he_  was  _still_  between the animal and the rancher.

Not that he  _cared_  if it got shot, but he wondered how in the hell he was going to get back if his guide died. Plunder swallowed nervously. "Ahem...yes, well, let's all just calm down here..."

"The hell I will!"

Looten paled as the rancher started to pull the trigger. He shut his eyes.

...and when he opened them, he and the Tasmanian Tiger were back in the cave.

* * *

Dr. Blight stood up suddenly at the arrival of Plunder and the Tasmanian Tiger. She swiftly made her way over to them, fists clenched, ready to punch something. She blinked in surprise when she saw a large timber wolf storm over to them. Babs glanced down at her feet, wondering if she should grab a nearby sharp rock as a weapon.

The wolf circled Plunder, who regarded it nervously. "Don't you realize the good I do? I can eat my weight in rats and mice and I keep wild herds strong! Why do you  _fear_  me?"

There was a sound of outrage from Skumm at the wolf's words.

Despite  _his_  fear, Plunder's expression transformed into one of confusion. "Why? Are you kidding?"

The Yeti interrupted. "So, to humans, the wolf and the Tasmanian Tiger were unwanted competition."

Looten opened his mouth to respond when Blight stepped in front of him and the wolf.

"I don't  _care_ what 'good' you do! Get the  _hell_  away from him!" she said in a very low, very threatening voice, brandishing the rock. The wolf growled at her, taking a step forward. She did likewise, a dark look on her face. Plunder couldn't help but notice it wasn't exactly a sane expression. The animal paused briefly at her aggressive behavior, but still advanced, baring it's teeth.

Just as they were about to leap at each other, the Yeti stepped between the two combatants. "Enough!" he said in a stern and borderline angry tone. The wolf stood there for a moment before scoffing in annoyance and moving back towards the jury. Blight stayed where she was, watching the wolf walk away, seriously considering throwing the rock at it.

She shook her head several times after a few seconds, a little disturbed at her own behavior. She jumped a little as something touched her shoulder. Babs quickly spun around, alarmed. Relief washed over her when she saw that it was Looten, looking at her with some concern in his eyes. She stared at the floor of the cave, feeling a little sheepish. He looked at her again for a few more seconds before addressing the Tasmanian Tiger.

"To be perfectly honest with you? The rancher didn't want to you take his profits."

"But I've never eaten a profit..."

Plunder laughed loudly. "Of course you have."

The Tasmanian Tiger growled. "No, I haven't, and since when did killing a few sheep justify my kind's complete destruction?"

He shrugged. "Hey, competition's a bitch, I should know. And yes, you  _have_ , you just don't know what 'profit' means. Actually, I take that back. You probably do, in a sense."

"But I wasn't competing! I was just trying to live..."

Plunder gazed down at the thylacine for a few seconds, his expression almost one of pity. Then he sighed, suddenly feeling a little tired.

"I'm not a scientific person, Tiger. I don't know a whole hell of a lot about biology, or ecology, not that I care to learn. But what I  _do_  know, and what I  _do_  understand about it is that in nature, in order to live, you  _have_ to compete. Destroying or weakening the competition is part of life, either in the wild or within a human society. That rancher was competing with you, and with others of his own species at the same time. And since humans can't go around killing each other in the name of competition, he had to eliminate what he actually  _could_  in order to give himself an edge."

Looten paused for a second to allow his words to sink in.

"And that was  _you_."

The animal was silent.

"As a carnivore, I'm assuming  _you_  had to kill to live. Did you ever stop and explain to _your_  victims that you were 'only trying to live'? Do you think it would have  _mattered_  to them why you had to do that? Of course not, because nature is brutal, and you did what you had to do.  _You_  didn't need to justify anything to anybody, and neither did  _he_. It goes both ways."

The Tasmanian Tiger growled to himself. "But I wasn't a real threat to his sheep."

Plunder massaged his temples with his fingertips. "It didn't matter if you actually were or not. That's what people  _thought_  you were, and they decided to take care of what they perceived as a problem."

The Yeti had a neutral expression on his face as he listened.

"So, Plunder, are you saying that humans were in the right to do what they did?" he finally asked.

The businessman shrugged. "I'm not saying it's right  _or_  that it's wrong. I'm saying that's just the way things  _are_  and wherever you go, the game is always the same."

He glanced down again at the extinct marsupial as Blight tightened her grip around his arm. "And you lost."


	6. Well, I Hope You Like the Genocide

"Yeah, well, he might have lost the game, but I didn't even get to play!" said a tiny voice close to Duke Nukem's ear.

"Huh?" he exclaimed, turning his head a bit in response. Duke didn't see anything. "Where  _are_  you?"

The voice sighed loudly in annoyance. "I'm right here! Over here!"

Nukem turned his head completely to the right, studying the small rocky ledge that jutted out close to his head. "Huh? Where...?"

"You see? I don't get no respect!" it said, with an edge of anger in it's voice.

"I can't even  _see_  you! How would I even know to?"

The voice sighed. "That seems to be the consensus, at least with humans."

Then finally, out of the corner of his eye, Duke saw was he assumed was some kind of lizard. It was dark green with a cream colored belly, and barely longer than the length of an average man's hand. The mutant turned fully around to face it. The animal's deep red eyes widened reflexively at the sight of Nukem looming over it, filling his entire field of vision. But almost as quickly, the expression was gone, and it spoke again.

"Just 'cause I was the little guy, I didn't get no respect!"

Nukem curiously reached out to it with his scaly, three-fingered hand. It obligingly stepped out onto his finger, quickly scuttling the rest of the way up his arm on perching on his shoulder. Nukem looked at him the best he could. "What are you, some kind of lizard?"

"No, I'm an amphibian."

Dr. Blight, who had up until that point been latched onto Plunder's arm, stepped forward to study the animal more closely. After about a minute a mildly puzzled expression crossed her face.

"I don't recognize your species," she said.

"That's 'cause you wiped me out before I was even discovered!"

"What are you talking about?" interjected Duke.

"I'll show you," said the tiny creature, and Nukem and the newt disappeared in a flash of bright light.

 

* * *

"What is this place?" Nukem asked as he watched the soft mud ooze up over his sandals to cover his toes.

"My home!" the newt said in a happy voice. It quickly crawled it's way down his arm and leapt the rest of the short way down to the muddy water below.

"Oh." Duke glanced about him, casually. "It stinks."

The newt inhaled with a look of bliss upon it's face. "Yeah, smells great!"

The mutant laughed. "Sludge would think so too. What a  _loser_..."

The animal gave him a very confused look. Nukem rolled his eyes.

"Never mind. So what's  _your_  problem with humans, anyway? Not that I  _am_  one or anything..."

Suddenly, there was a rumble of heavy machinery that caused even the trees a few stands away to sway violently. Curious, Nukem followed the sound to it's source, only marginally aware of his animal guide shouting something to him. Peering out from behind some bushes, he saw a large bulldozer pushing over a tree, the trunk cracking as it gave way under the intense pressure exerted by the machine. He stepped out of the vegetation out into the clearing.

A flash of something green caught the corner of his eye and he stared down, finally noticing that the newt was trying to speak to him. Unable to hear it's small voice over the roar of the nearby engine, Nukem bent down and scooped up the animal in one hand.

"Hey! Are you even listening? I said, that bulldozer is going to destroy my home!"

"Well, why can't you just move?"

"But...I  _can't_  move! This is the only place I can live!"

"Oh." Nukem stared at the oncoming bulldozer. Suddenly, he leveled his palm at the machine and struck it with a powerful energy blast, violently toppling it over. The human operator tumbled out, unharmed, but looking dazed and incredibly confused.

The newt widened it's eyes in shock. Looking up at Nukem, it exclaimed, "W-why did you do that?"

Nukem stared down at the small amphibian in his other hand. "Hey,  _you_  just said that bulldozer was going to destroy your home! I was trying to  _help_  you!"

"B-but...this isn't how I w-wanted..." the newt stuttered.

"Well, what were you expecting, then, huh? For someone to walk up and respect you just because you're _living_? People don't care about that! Heck, _nature_ doesn't care about that! You want something? You wanna even just  _keep_  something you  _already_  got? You gotta fight for it!"

Nukem looked over at the man struggling to untangle himself from the brush he had fallen onto.

"Well, what's it gonna be, slimy?"

"I...I..."

The man stood up and stormed over to them, angrily. "What the HELL-" He abruptly cut himself off when he realized just how big and frightening Duke Nukem was.

"...is going on?" He finished in a small voice.

Nukem shrugged. "I don't really know,  _now_."

He motioned down at the amphibian in his hand. "He's bitchin' about you destroying his home, but he ain't willing to take you down over it."

He then pointed to himself. "I was willing to help him out, 'cause I'm just such a great guy like that, but he doesn't like what I did."

Duke Nukem then shrugged again in confusion. "So if he ain't gonna use me to stop  _you_ , then I don't know what to tell him about keepin' his home."

The man seemed to have regained some of his courage. "Well, if I don't clear this place out, then _I_ won't have a home! Since I'm not willing to lose  _mine_ , I guess  _he's_  going to have to be the one to go."

Nukem's animal guide flinched a little at the man's words. Before Nukem could respond, he found himself staring back at the jury of animals in the dim light of the cave.

* * *

 

"But...but it's not fair. I didn't even have a chance..."

Duke shook his head. "Maybe not, I guess. But what did you expect?"

"Some respect? Is that too much to ask?"

"Respect?  _Respect?_  You don't get  _respect_  just because you exist. You aren't just  _handed_  respect for sitting around in a mud puddle in a rainforest." Nukem scoffed. He held out his hands and then flexed his fingers.

"You see this? You see what I  _did_ to that bulldozer? You see how that guy reacted? You wanna know  _why_? It's because I was bigger than he was, stronger than he was, and more  _powerful_  than he was. That's the only thing he respected, and trust me bud, that's the way things are! Do I _really_  need to repeat myself here?"

He made a gesture in Blight, Plunder, and Greedly's direction. "You see those guys? I used to be human, just like them. Well, maybe not  _just_  like them - I was smaller and weaker. But that changed one day. I became  _better._  I was no longer weak. I could push people around that used to push  _me_  around. And you know what that meant?"

The newt shook it's head.

"That meant  _nobody_  could take anything away from me ever again. That meant that I finally got  _my_  respect."


	7. Armageddon's All Relative Anyway

"Big or small, all creatures have a right to survive," the Yeti said solemnly.

Dr. Blight folded her arms across her chest and slowly shook her head in disbelief at his words. "That's probably the single most idiotic thing I've  _ever_  heard anyone say. And trust me, coming from someone who is forced to listen to Captain Planet's puns on a regular basis, that's not something to take lightly."

Plunder groaned. "You're telling me. God, his jokes are absolutely... _horrible_..."

Greedly made a face. "Kinda makes me want to pollute more."

"Yeah, and kill stuff."

"That too."

The large Cryptid fixed Dr. Blight with a calm yet slightly severe look. "Why do you say that my words are 'idiotic'?"

She snorted contemptuously. "I'm not going to stand here and claim that humanity knows  _everything_  there is to know about nature. But I  _do_  have the confidence to state that we know  _enough_ , and that implying is that there is somehow a kind of  _morality_ in the natural world is wrong. It's complete hippie bullshit. It's.. just..." she trailed off in exasperation.

"Just...?" the Yeti prompted.

"Just...everything about that statement was like ten different kinds of wrong. And about eleven different kinds of  _stupid_."

Dr. Blight started to pace restlessly, hands clasped behind her back, while launching into her rant.

"What does that even  _mean_ , anyway? 'All creatures have a right to survive'? Do they all have a right to  _try_  to survive? Or that they all have a right to  _live_? But  _that_  wouldn't make much sense, because then you would be excluding carnivores from that 'right'. On the  _other_  hand, if you meant 'try to survive' in terms of merely having an equal _chance_ , then  _that_  logic falls apart once one starts to scrutinize the reproductive strategies of the majority of invertebrate-"

She suddenly cut herself off as she turned to stare at the Yeti.

"I mean, honestly, do you even  _listen_  to yourself?"

The Yeti did not answer; he glanced at the jury of animals seated near him, and nodded at one creature in particular. It quickly took to the air and after gliding a few feet, landed gracefully on Verminous Skumm's hand. The rat was so startled at the sudden presence of bright color so near him that he jumped upright from his previously causal stance against the wall. Looking down, he was a little embarrassed to see that the source of his apprehension was a harmless butterfly. Skumm glared down at it in a huff.

And unfortunately for him, his reaction didn't go unnoticed by the others.

"Aw, whatsa matter, did the big bad butterfly  _scare_  you?" Nukem jeered, laughing hysterically.

Blight was snickering to herself, Plunder smirked, and Greedly was grinning like an idiot. Skumm's lip curled a little.

Sometimes he really, honestly  _hated_  them all.

_One of these days..._

Shaking the subsequent murderous thoughts from his head, he addressed the tiny insect. "What do  _you_  want? Gonna show me what horrible things  _humans_  have done to you? What makes you think _I_ care?"

"It's not just about  _my_  habitat, it's much worse!"

And at that, they were gone in a brief flash of light.

 

* * *

"Where are we?" asked Skumm as the butterfly glided through the huge flowers of the field. For a moment they appeared to be mutated, but after a few seconds Skumm realized that it was a matter of perspective.  _They_  had been shrunk, or at least Skumm had been, to the size of an insect. It was interesting albeit a bit discombobulating for him; however he mused that experiencing something like this would be useful to be able relate a bit better to his closest relatives.

"This is my home."

He sneezed. He didn't like pollen, and although he didn't have a true allergy to it, the tiny grains  _did_  irritate his sinuses. Skumm felt his heart rate increase a little. He was naturally uncomfortable in open, bright areas like this, and he wished that the insect would hurry up with whatever point it was trying to make.

"Yeah, so?"

"It's being destroyed and-" The butterfly's words were drowned out by the roar of a nearby airplane engine. Skumm squinted as he looked into the bright sky at it, noting with interest a large cloud of chemicals that started to deploy from the tail. Quickly, the cloud descended upon them. Unconcerned, he wondered exactly what type of pesticides they were. The butterfly started to cough.

"What's...what's  _happening_?" it exclaimed piteously, it's wing strokes becoming more spasmodic and irregular.

"Um, it's a crop duster. It's an airplane that spreads chemicals over farmland to kill insects."

"That's...horrible!"

Skumm's brow furrowed. "Insects eat crops that people need to eat. How is that horrible?"

" _I_  don't eat crops!"

The rat had nothing to say to that, although the butterfly's continued struggles were starting to concern him. It wasn't that he cared that it lived or not, but the thought of it dying in midair and him plummeting a couple of thousand feet to his death wasn't something he relished.

"You might want to veer over to the left, the air seems cleaner there." The insect complied, and although it seemed to be feeling better, the craft suddenly doubled back, close enough to them that the wind-wake of the machine cause them to spiral crazily out of control. Despite himself, Skumm covered his eyes.

A few moments later, he sensed that his host had seemed to level off, and the scent of something very familiar, and something very close to home filled his nostrils. Somewhat eagerly, he uncovered his eyes. They were in a city. He grinned a little.

_Finally._

He inhaled deeply.

Then that damned butterfly started hacking again, so much so that it was almost hit by an oncoming truck. It managed to flutter aside at the last second.

"Where have all the flowers gone?" it asked mournfully.

"We're in a city. You don't have flowers in a city. At least, not usually."

Suddenly, a large diesel tractor trailer released a large cloud of thick, black exhaust as it passed by underneath them.

"How can you humans live in such an awful place?" the butterfly asked, coughing. Skumm stared, briefly focusing on his filthy, cracked claws that he had rested on the insect's back. He unconsciously inhaled the truck exhaust as they passed overhead, his body indifferent to the poisonous gases entering his lungs and his bloodstream.

"I'm not human," he finally said in a distant voice, gazing longingly down at an open sewer line.

 

* * *

 

"...why? Why? Why did this happen...?" The butterfly's strained and tinny voice was acutely loud to Skumm's sensitive ears.

"Why  _what_  happened? You mean the poisons?"

"Yes..."

"You mean you can't live around them?"

"Of course I can't."

"Why  _not_?"

Even Greedly had to scoff at his question. "Why do you  _think_ , Skumm? Most life on this planet can't survive in the same conditions  _you_  can."

Suddenly, a very irate expression appeared on Skumm's face as he glared at the other Eco-villain. He snarled a little.

" _I'm_  a part of nature too!  _I_ evolved on the same STUPID planet YOU all have, and  _I'm_  here because of the  _same_  forces that made everything else! I can't  _believe_  you self-righteous assholes can just  _sit_  there and  _judge_  me about the things I have done – and for the most part, have  _needed_  to do – to live my own life!"

He made a few frustrated slashing motions in the air with his claws as he ranted.

"You know what? I'm sick and tired of this – and I'm not just talking about this whole stupid trial, either. I'm  _sick_  and  _tired_  of being told over and over again that  _I'm_ the freak, that  _I'm_  the deviant, that  _I'm_  the unnatural monster here! Who in the _fuck_  are you – ANY of you – to say that  _what I need to survive is wrong_?"

Nukem blinked. "Hey, yeah! What's  _with_  that?"

Angrily, Skumm looked over at the Yeti.

"So, let me tell  _you_  something, you hypocrite. Let me tell you that, although it might be a huge surprise to you and all of your animal friends, there  _are_  other forms of life that _don't_ thrive in the same conditions  _you_  do, that  _don't_  live the same way  _you_  do, and that  _don't_  value the same things  _you_  do."

Skumm pointed to the butterfly. "You need open, bright, unpolluted fields to survive."

Then he gestured to himself. "I need enclosed, filthy, underground tunnels to survive."

Verminous Skumm then folded his arms across his chest. He sneered at the jury.

"Now, tell me...who's more right?"


	8. Just Ain't Crooked Enough for the Law

 

 

The Eco-Villains all sat, facing each other, on various rocks in the small chamber adjacent to the main 'courtroom' cavern.

"How considerate of them to give us time to prepare a defense," Blight said sarcastically, rubbing her arms to keep warm, despite Plunder's jacket.

"Hm. I'm surprised they've even let us do  _that_  much," Plunder scoffed. "From the looks on their faces, you'd think it wouldn't  _matter_  what sort of brilliant argument we might come up with – I think their decision's already made."

"Well, we might as well come up with  _something_. You couldn't say we didn't try."

"Yeah..."

There was a brief silence, with nobody knowing exactly where to start.

Then Plunder spoke up. "Okay, let's at least try and compile what arguments we  _do_  have. Why don't we start with-" His words were cut off as everyone blurted out their justifications, their tones clearly indicative of an undercurrent of stress and exasperation.

"Well, they're a bunch of stupid animals! Why can't they just accept that we're the better predator? We won, they lost!"

"And they didn't even bother to defend themselves!"

"Just too puny and weak! This shit just  _happens_..."

"I couldn't help it! What  _else_  can I do to live? It's not my fault I can thrive where they can't! Fuck 'em!"

Looten clasped a hand on his forehead for a moment. He drew in a deep breath.

"Those points are all well and good, but who is going to deliver a speech like that?" Plunder asked. "If we want a coherent defense, we can't just  _all_ get up and shout random talking points. No matter how valid they may be, they wouldn't make any sense."

"True..." Blight looked thoughtful.

Greedly started snorting with laughter. They all looked at him, confused. Plunder raised an eyebrow.

"What's so funny?"

"I'm just remembering a story you told me a while ago, Looten."

"Oh? About what?"

"About the time you went to law school." Greedly shot him a very, very,  _very_  smug look.

Looten paled.

"Don't you  _dare_ , you fat son of a-"

"Oh come on, Looten!" Blight prodded. "Didn't you drop out?"

"..."

"Well...?"

"I  _didn't_  drop out!" he snapped, now in a foul mood. Greedly continued laughing. "Shut  _up,_ fatass!"

"Ahahaha...I remember...I remember what you said..." Greedly gasped.

Plunder glowered at him, his eye twitching visibly. Dr. Blight grinned.

"Oh,  _now_ I remember!" she exclaimed gleefully.

Nukem and Skumm glanced at each other, their faces a combination of confusion and amusement.

"You...you went to  _law_  school?" Skumm exclaimed. "Why do I feel like I should have  _known_ that?"

Nukem laughed. "Because being a slimy, backstabbing lawyer is an occupation straight up Plunder's alley, that's why!"

Looten crossed his arms and sulked, glaring darkly at the rest of them.

Greedly clutched his sides as he laughed.

"Oh God, you were _so_  drunk...do you even  _remember_  what you said?"

Plunder gave Greedly the most evil glare that Blight had ever seen anyone give anybody.

"You said...you said...'Hoggish, being an attorney takes a  _special_  kind of evil. An evil that, apparently, isn't necessary for a MBA...I don't think I could have done it...'"

Plunder buried his face in his hands.

"Then you threw up."

Plunder promptly uncovered his face and shot the other man another  _very_  nasty look.

The laughter in the small cavern took quite some time to die down before Plunder could respond.

"Asshole."

"Ha! Well anyway, the point being, you're the only person here with any sort of experience in rhetoric, not to mention I've seen you convincingly outright lie through your teeth."

He rolled his eyes. "If by 'lie' you mean 'selling a product' then, yes, yes I  _have_. So what does _that_ have to do with-" Suddenly Plunder cut himself off.

Shaking his head, he held out both his hands defensively. "No."

The others all gave him slightly evil smiles.

"Oh, no. No  _way_  am I doing this."

They all continued to stare at him.

"Guys, I'm  _not_ a lawyer. I can't-"

Nukem punched his palm with his fist causally. Plunder gave him a slightly nervous look.

"I hate you all."

Dr. Blight sighed. "Look, I'll help you flesh out the argument with some scientific theories. But you're  _going_  to have to do this, Looten. Do you  _honestly_  believe that Greedly, Nukem, Skumm  _or_ myself could do this any better?"

"I've seen some of your scientific papers before and they're pretty persuasive."

"Yeah, for the subject at hand. But making a case in science isn't the same as making a case in law. I would have no idea on where to even  _start_.  _None_  of us do, except for _you_."

Plunder frowned. He knew he was good at creating and instilling reasonable doubt, which was all he really needed to do to defend a case.

_But judging from what I've seen so far, I wonder if they'll even follow the appropriate protocol...or accept anything less than complete proof..._

_Or hell, even listen to us at all._


	9. We Got Survivalism

Blight whispered something in his ear, and Plunder nodded at her. Clearing his throat, he began to speak to the jury of animals.

"It's clear, at least to me and my fellow 'defendants', who the superior species is here, evolutionarily speaking."

Plunder knew he was taking a huge risk starting out with such a statement, but his defense rested heavily on establishing that line of thought. He mentally cringed a little at the annoyed faces of the jury. Skumm wore a similar expression, giving Plunder a piercing look.

Plunder quickly turned to look at him. "You  _know_  what I mean," he said in a low voice.

"And you know what  _I_  mean," Skumm hissed.

"God _dammit_  rat, not now! For the time being, you're considered human, unless you want to come up with your  _own_  defense," Plunder snapped. Skumm lashed his tail a little in irritation, but nodded reluctantly.

Looten turned back to face his audience.

"One thing I would like to emphasize, as you yourselves had done when this trial started, is that we all are..." Plunder paused for a second, trying to psychologically prep himself for the words he was about to say.

"...creatures of the same Earth..." It took all his willpower not to gag at that sentence. Greedly snickered a little cruelly.

"...but I want you to look at it from a different angle."

He internally sighed in relief as the annoyed looks transformed into ones of curiosity. Plunder briefly glanced over at Blight, who nodded slightly.

"No one can dispute the fact that we all evolved on the _same_  planet with roughly similar environmental conditions. I want to stress this point because it illustrates the relatively equal playing field from which we all started. As Dr. Blight had mentioned earlier, humans aren't very strong or swift compared to other animals our size; we don't have fur to keep us warm nor do we have any claws or other natural weapons as such. The only thing we really have going for us are our brains and opposable thumbs, which most primates have anyway. Yes, we can walk upright, but so can some other species. So even physically we don't really stand out."

"But we  _are_ smart. We not only figured out how to use tools, but how to make them from whatever materials we could find. And we  _needed_  to do this, or there was no way we could compete with other animals that, for example, have claws..." Plunder pointed to the wolf.

"Or thick fur and a large size..." Here, he motioned to the mammoth.

"Or sharp teeth..." he said, looking at the Tasmanian tiger.

"Natural selection drives evolution. And natural selection, in large part, favors life that is successfully competitive. Every single animal here is a result of a group of successful ancestors, including humans."

Plunder started to pace a little neurotically.

"Bearing that in mind,  _we_  argue that the actions we take against the natural world, are, in and of themselves, natural. We're  _still_ competing with you and your fellow species; it's just that we're so far ahead of you in almost every area that it  _seems_  unfair. Hell, maybe we don't need to compete with you anymore – I don't know. But what I  _do_  know is that we were shaped by the  _same exact_  natural forces that shaped all of you, and _my_  species happened to come out ahead."

He stopped pacing and regarded them closely.

"You can't apply morality to something like natural selection; right or wrong simply doesn't exist here. You can't punish us just because we successfully  _out-competed_  you in nature, even if that success resulted in the extinction of other species. Regardless if extinction is a result of a meteor strike or a bullet, it doesn't matter  _how_  it happens, it just  _does_ , and it always  _will_  as long as life exists on this planet. And at some point a species will, either directly or indirectly, cause the extinction of another. If we destroy our own environment to the point that we can no longer sustain ourselves, or another species arises that can out-compete  _us_ , then  _we_  deserve to go extinct, just like countless species have in the past."

Plunder spread his arms somewhat dramatically.

"And now I re-remind you that we are, indeed, creatures of the same Earth; we all started out with the same resources. We all ran in the  _same_  evolutionary race, and some of you lost. That's not my fault. It's not humanity's fault. In fact, it's  _nobody's_  fault, because assigning fault to anyone for the outcome of a period of natural history is  _incredibly_ illogical, not to mention inherently impossible. We are what we are, based on our  _own_  nature, and that's not likely to change soon."

Looten shut his eyes for a second, concentrating on selecting the best possible wording for his final statement.

"What I'm saying is that we evolved as naturally as you did, and rose to a superior position in the process. Therefore, I argue –  _we_  argue - that any sort of ecological destruction our species has wrought is the consequence of natural selection. The extinctions of these animals ultimately occurred due to humans acting how they had  _evolved_ to act. How can you punish behavior shaped by a natural force?"

With that, Plunder sat down next to Dr. Blight, who decided to add a little to the defense.

"Humans are the current apex predator of this entire planet. You can't deny that, and with the exception of a few particular areas, we dominate the globe."

The Yeti raised an eyebrow. "And...?" he said, rather drolly. She rolled her eyes.

"We can live almost anywhere. We can eat almost anything, as Greedly frequently demonstrates. We've developed ways to do things we otherwise physically couldn't do, such as fly at the speed of sound or dive into the deepest part of the ocean. We have the ability to shape the environment to suit us and our lifestyles. No other organism in the history of the entire planet has  _ever_ done anything  _close_  to those things. Why in the  _hell_  can't you just admit that we've surpassed you in just about everything? Or would you rather us huddle in fear of wild animals in a cave somewhere like we did thousands of years ago? Would that make you feel better about yourselves  _failing_  at survival?"

"In a cave with wild animals like you are right now?"

She sneered. "I'm  _hardly_  huddling in fear. You're all dead anyway."

The Grizzly bear growled. "Not  _all_  of us!"

Despite herself, Blight cringed.

"So..." the Yeti began. "You have freely admitted that humans were the cause behind the extinction of these animals."

Skumm sighed, loudly and angrily.

Plunder rolled his eyes at Skumm's reaction, but stood up again and crossed his arms defensively as he addressed the Yeti.

"Yes, and with the exception of the mammoth, humans  _have_  caused the extinctions of the animals in question; extinctions for which we are inexplicably standing trial."

"So  _please_  tell us why we  _shouldn't_ find you guilty! Or why you're not even  _pleading_  guilty?" raged the elephant.

Looten Plunder's temper was threatening to get the better of him.

"Did you  _not_ listen to  _anything_  I just said? Morality is only applicable to  _human_ crimes carried out against  _other humans_! We're _not_  pleading guilty because there is  _nothing_  to plead guilty to - there is no good or evil in this case!"

He flailed his arms.

"I'll admit to it because it's a  _fact_. It's a fact of life that humanity is going to cause extinctions, we always have, and we always will! Extinction is natural!  _No crime has been committed_   _here_!" he said, his voice getting progressively shrill with rage and frustration.

For the first time since the trial started, the Yeti had a completely stunned look on his face. Even the crow on his shoulder didn't move.

Plunder managed to calm down, although he was breathing deeply in agitation. The silence in the enormous cavern was such that his breathing was almost unbearably loud, even to the creatures seated on the ledges far away.

"No... _crime_?"

"No."

He sneered nastily. "I don't see you putting  _other_  species on trial for any extinctions  _they've_  caused. Of course, I wouldn't put it past you, so maybe I should take that back."

There was a brief silence.

"Or better yet, since both logic and  _sanity_  seem to be  _completely_  lacking here, maybe you'd like to put the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs on trial  _too_? Oh wait, you _wouldn't,_ because that would be  _stupid_!" Plunder snapped.

The Yeti finally managed to find his voice after several long moments. It was surprisingly calm.

" _You_  are the sentient species of this world.  _You_  are held to a higher standard."

"Why?" Dr. Blight interjected, her tone cold and objective. "What  _difference_  does that make? How does sentience justify a double standard here?"

" _Because_  you can think, as you yourselves have pointed out.  _Because_  you can feel, and because you, out of all creatures to have ever evolved on this planet, can comprehend the biosphere as a  _whole_ , and can logically modify your actions to minimize your impact in it."

Plunder frowned a little to himself, not sure how to respond to that. He looked over at his fellow villains, who all shrugged, except for Dr. Blight, who appeared to be deep in thought.

She smirked a little.

"Well using  _that_ logic, _I_ could argue that, because we  _are_  held to a higher standard, then  _you_  have no right to try us for anything. If we are  _so_  inherently different from you, the very animals we drove to extinction, then  _you_  have no foundation on which to accuse us of any crime. You can't hold us responsible for things we've done and then state that you yourselves cannot commit the same crime due to a 'lack of sentience' or whatever. Either we're all equal or we're  _not_."

Babs paused, fixing him with an intense look.

"Yeti, you have just admitted that you and those animals are  _not_  our equals, because  _you_  said that we are held to a higher standard; a higher standard, presumably, than YOU."

She pointed at him.

" _You_  are  _not_  my peer. Therefore,  _you_  have no right to pass any sort of judgment on me or any other  _sentient_  being here."


	10. Stupid is as Stupid Does

Enough time had passed that even Nukem looked nervous.

"What's _taking_  them so long?" he asked for the umpteenth time in the past few hours, the question now getting on Plunder's nerves.

"Look, it's not necessarily a bad thing it's taking awhile. When a jury takes it's time it usually means that it found some merit in an argument. Hopefully."

Plunder felt Blight shiver and press closer to his side. He sighed, lifted his arm and leaned back a little, allowing her to rest more of her upper body on his torso. He pulled the trenchcoat around the both of them. She tucked her arms between his body and hers, her gloves no longer able to keep back the threat of frostbite.

Looten had been finding it harder and harder to warm back up from the initial relief he had experienced when he had taken a tour with the Tasmanian Tiger. His shivering had increased as well, and his hands were numb and stiff. But he was even more concerned about Dr. Blight, who had experienced no such relief with the mammoth. He had noticed that her lips were starting to turn an alarming shade of blue, and she had been more or less shivering non-stop since the final arguments had concluded about three hours ago. The trenchcoat was a decent one, but it wasn't designed for such low temperatures, and even then, it was only useful for one person.

And even more worrisome was his recent tendency of nodding off. Looten kept having to shake his head to stay awake, and at one point he had even deliberately slammed his head on the cave wall hoping the pain would distract him. It had worked for awhile, but he knew it was a losing battle.

Plunder had noticed that Greedly was looking pretty bad himself, and that Skumm had resigned himself to remaining curled in a tight ball between two large rocks. He assumed that Nukem would be the only one to not freeze to death like they would, although Blight did make an earlier off-hand comment about the temperature in the cave being be too low to sustain the critical mass his heavily mutated body required.

_No wonder he was pissed about not being able to eat._

Plunder knew that Nukem didn't need to eat a  _lot_  of radioactive material to stay alive, as nuclear fuel was a rather efficient way to extract energy, but losing the momentum of those chain reactions was something he would not likely bounce back from. Plunder also couldn't help but notice Nukem wasn't quite as aggressive or showy with his powers as he normally was, probably because he knew he didn't have a lot of energy to waste.

_Damn. Now even our one trump card might not work out._

Plunder had been banking on Nukem as a kind of contingency; if all else failed, and the animals found them guilty or whatever, he could likely persuade Nukem to blast them all out of the situation. Actually, he suspected that they  _all_  had been thinking of Duke as a back-up, not that Duke would have minded blasting the shit out of something anyway.

"What are they trying to do?" Greedly suddenly exclaimed, his shrill voice cutting through the silence like a knife. Plunder flinched a little at the sound.

"Are they trying to  _kill_  us? Maybe they already found us guilty, and they've left us to die!"

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Plunder laughed bitterly. "Are you kidding? The way those idiots liked to hear themselves talk, they  _definitely_  would tell us any decision they made – and make it as stupidly dramatic as possible."

Blight lifted her head up and looked up at him with her left eye. "I wonder what happened to those  _other_  people they tried."

Skumm lifted his head. "Probably let  _them_  die as well."

Greedly snorted. "You know, I've been thinking...and I don't think that they did."

"What? How would  _you_  know?"

"You know how I went with that seal, right?"

"Yeah." Plunder nodded.

"During that little trip, we got caught by some sailors with this net-"

Skumm snickered at him. "I'll bet  _that_  was hard to pull in." Greedly shot him a glare, but continued.

" _As_  I was saying, we were pulled aboard this ship. And not like a modern-day ship – it was one of those, what do you call 'em – galleons or something. From a long time ago."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, the captain said something that seemed...familiar. He said that there had been  _another_  person that had been caught in the middle of the ocean, just like me."

"Hm, so you think he was from the previous group?" Plunder was curious.

"Yeah, I do, and it was a  _she_ , not a he. And the captain said something else  _very_  interesting."

"Well, tell us already!" Looten was getting impatient.

"He said that she 'commanded the waters like a demon.'"

There was silence in the chamber as all the Eco-villains stared at Greedly.

Blight sat up at that point, cold temporarily forgotten. "What else did he say?" she asked, already guessing the answer.

"He said that she was Asian."

"What." Blight said in a flat tone, more as a statement than a question.

"You're kidding," Plunder said. Skumm was at a loss for words, his jaw dropped open.

"I am seriously not kidding."

Nukem was uncharacteristically quiet, his eyes wide as he processed the information.

"Are- are you saying-," Plunder sputtered out.

"Yes, I am."

The businessman shook his head. "God,  _now_  I remember what that mutt said to me! He mentioned that the other person that went with him freed the animal that had been trapped."

They all turned to look at him.

"Yeah...and the rancher...he said the same thing! Said it was a kid with a funny accent..."

"Sounds like something  _they_  would do..." Skumm muttered to himself.

There was another long bout of silence.

Then Dr. Blight's sudden piercing laugh caused them all to jump.

"Goddamn, no  _wonder_  they're extinct!"


	11. Double Jeopardy

Although she had ceased a long time ago, the echos of Blight's laughter still rang in their ears. Towards the end, it had risen not only in volume, but in shrillness; Plunder knew Blight well enough to understand that she had been expressing fear rather than true amusement. They  _all_  knew that her emotional responses were abnormal in general, however, this time all of the Eco-villains felt as though she had been expressing all of their thoughts quite accurately.

Greedly shook his head slowly, eyes wide and unfocused. "If they could put  _them_  on trial..."

"...the  _Planeteers_  of all people..." Plunder added.

"...then what in the hell chance do  _we_ have?" finished Skumm.

Nukem spoke up for the first time in awhile. "Oh, we have a chance alright, ratface."

The yellow mutant cracked his knuckles. "But I  _do_  wanna know what they have to say first."

Plunder raised an eyebrow at that. He  _had_  been hoping he was wrong in his evaluation of Nukem's power reserves and if Duke's vaguely threatening response was any indication the mutant had at least a little energy to spare. That made him feel better, although he wondered that  _if_  the animals or the Yeti had a hand in transporting them here, killing them might not be the brightest idea if they ever wanted to get out.

Plunder was musing over various scenarios when he heard the snarl of the Tasmanian Tiger echo off of the walls of the small chamber. The Eco-villains all turned their heads, startled.

"We're ready," it snapped, turning around and heading to the main courtroom. They all followed it nervously, finally taking their places where they had stood originally.

After a few minutes, the Yeti gracefully strode to the center of the huge cavern, the crow on his shoulder swaying its body as it maintained its balance. The jury of animals had assembled themselves on their respective ledges, looking solemnly down at the Eco-villains. Plunder heard Greedly wheeze a little in apprehension. He sighed. Plunder was normally very good at reading people, but he was finding that gift didn't exactly extend to Yetis, Tasmanian Tigers, or mammoths. Their faces were completely blank, and he had absolutely no idea what they could be thinking.

He glanced over at Nukem, who had his arms folded across his chest in an almost blasé fashion. He looked down at Blight, who was huddled quite piteously at his side under his trench coat. For some reason, his stomach twisted into a knot at the sight. His jaw set, he stared up at the Yeti.

"Well?"

The Yeti paused for a moment be fore answering.

"I have declared a mistrial."

Plunder blinked, and exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he was holding in. For them, this outcome was just as good as a not-guilty verdict; and considering that this  _particular_ trial hardly followed the rules of a  _proper_  trial, it was unlikely that their case was being discarded due to technicalities or improperly submitted evidence. No, it was likely due to one thing – something that they all had been hoping for, and if it were true, then it would be vindicating to Plunder personally.

The jury had been deadlocked.

"Why?" inquired Greedly.

"The jury could not reach a unanimous decision."

The jury  _had_ been deadlocked. Plunder felt his knees shake, ever so slightly. He couldn't believe it. He had _actually_  made a compelling enough argument to the very animals his species had made extinct for them to take what he said into consideration. Well, what he  _and_ Blight said anyway.

The Eco-villains remained silent, except for Nukem. "So what does that mean? Do we go or what?"

"Yes, that is what it means."

Skumm was about to say something when the elephant made a harsh trumpeting sound.

"All because of a few idiots that couldn't see the truth!" it said, looking pointedly at a few specific jurors.

The newt averted his gaze from the angry elephant.

"You traitor! How  _could_ you side with them?" It stomped its foot angrily.

"Hey now!" the mammoth rumbled in a deep voice. It pointed its trunk at the elephant. "I voted against them too, but that doesn't give you any right to call him that! He took their arguments into consideration, and decided he agreed with them. That doesn't make him a traitor, it makes him a  _juror_."

The elephant glared at the mammoth.

Suddenly, the newt's tiny squeaky voice cut through the frigid air.

"Yeah, it does! And it makes me wonder if you even listened to what they had to say! This entire time you've just stood around and demanded that we punish them. You had your decision made before this trial even started, just like with those kids!"

The amphibian paused, and took a deep breath.

"You're not interested in justice, you just hate humans!" it exclaimed, puffing out its chest aggressively. "You know what else? You need to tell me why you're even here, or why the Grizzly bear is here, or even that butterfly! Cause last time I checked, you guys aren't even  _extinct_! Why in the heck are _you_  sitting in the jury box, huh?"

A curious look crossed the mammoth's face. "That is a very good point." He turned to regard the elephant. "Why  _are_  you here? Yes, you're endangered, but you're not extinct. I don't understand why you'd be a juror in this case, especially when there are several other extinct species that could take your place."

The elephant just stared at them, mouth slightly agape. "I...I don't believe this!"

"Believe it buddy!" the newt hissed. "I made my decision, and you made yours! Deal with it. And next time you shouldn't even be here!"

The ensuing silence seemed to make the little creature's words echo forever.

Plunder then turned to the Yeti.

"So, I take it you're going to send us back?"

The Yeti nodded.

"Before you do, I need to clarify something first." Plunder cleared his throat. He intended on making this fast.

"Very well."

"The people you tried before us, who were they?"

"I believe you know the answer to that."

"So, it's true then," Plunder said tonelessly.

"Yes. Is that all?"

Plunder shook his head. "No."

"What have you to add, then?"

Looten pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes for a second before continuing. "Look, I hate the Planeteers. We – and by that I mean my associates here –  _all_  hate the Planeteers. They involve themselves where they shouldn't, they've personally interfered with my business operations and have cost me millions of dollars. The same goes for the others, to varying degrees. So you can imagine the intense resentment and anger that I – that  _all_  of us - have for them."

The Yeti raised an eyebrow.

"Please understand that I'm surprising even myself by saying anything in the Planeteers' defense. But here it is - I can't believe you would put them through this. Those kids are the most environmentally-friendly, tree-hugging, animal-loving hippies on the planet, and out of over six billion people you picked  _them_ to stand trial for the very things they're fighting to prevent?"

He rubbed Dr. Blight's arm briskly as he felt her shiver again.

"It's really no wonder you're extinct."

 


	12. oh snap

Very far away in the Crystal Chamber on Hope Island, Zarm turned to Gaia and smirked at her visibly annoyed face.

"Told you it wouldn't work."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely hated "Twelve Angry Animals". HATED it with a passion. It made no sense to me; putting the Planeteers, of all people, on trial for human-caused extinctions? If I were a Planeteer and had to go through that ordeal, I'd throw the ring in Gaia's face and tell her to fuck off, as my (unpaid) environmental efforts were clearly not appreciated by her or those stupid animals who picked the absolutely least deserving people on the planet for that. So, I figured, how could I make the episode better? I thought that at least putting the Eco-Villains on trial made more sense, although still a weak premise in general.
> 
> Oh, and I totally threw in heaps of the Plunder/Blight pairing cause I felt like it. Nothing like writing one's own fanservice.
> 
> And MANY MANY thanks to Lisa and Lisa for the encouragement and scientific accuracy lectures/checks! Hearts to you guys!


End file.
